Elena stood outside the Shinra Mansion in the mountain town of Nibelheim and looked at the man in the red cape from underneath her sunglasses. She looked at the picture in her hand and squinted. "Mister Valentine?" she asked.
"...Mrf," he replied through the part of his cape that covered his mouth up.
"Vincent Valentine?"
"Mrf."
"Is it true that you knew the mother of Sephiroth?" Elena asked, getting annoyed.
"Mrf," said he.
Elena pulled out her gun and held it to his head. "Listen, mister! I happen to know that you used to be in AVALANCHE!"
"Mrf," Valentine said.
Elena cocked her gun and clenched her teeth. "YOU SAY ‘MRF’ ONE MORE TIME AND I TURN YOU INTO TEN CENTS WORTH OF DUCK FEED!!"
"Mrfll frrf," Vincent said, folding his arms. Elena was about to pull the trigger when he pushed her away and demanded, "MRFLRLL! MRFLRTLFRRF! Mrflsshrs grff! MRF! Mrfrlr frfrlrfrf!", then mumbled, "mrfrrlrdrrph, mrf ffr mrrflwrrf frjr wrf..."
"YEAH," Elena said, and put her gun away.
"Mrf."
Elena’s partner, Rude, stepped up behind her and told her, "I...don’t think you’re gunna get anything outta him like that, Elena."
"Mrf."
"Really, y’think?" she asked.
"Mrf."
Rude nodded his head. "I heard Hojo did somethin’ creepy to him! He can turn into monsters! I can hear the X-Files theme, Elena!!"
"MRF!"
Elena put her finger up to her chin. "Kinna reminds me of a David Bowie song...Scaaaary Monsters!"
"Mmmrff."
"Oy...Elena, did you bump your head escaping Midgar? He turned into somethin’ when you, Reno and I fought Strife’s little AVALANCHE sect in the train tunnel three years ago! It’s no joke!" Rude told her.
"Mrf."
"Hey, shut up! Don’t remind me!" Elena whispered, elbowing her companion.
"Just let me handle this, alright?" Rude asked, stepping toward the silent figure of Valentine, who was turning to walk away. "HEY! Mr. Valentine! Did you know a woman named Lucrecia Foster about thirty-some-odd years ago?" he asked, getting no response. "Aw, crap. BE that way, then."
Vincent snarled and growled lowly.
"Rude, tell me the truth...do you think this investigation is necessary?" Elena asked.
"Who, me? No, not in the least, but you’re the one who commissioned it," Rude replied.
"Moh, yeah...," she said, pulling out a file folder with the words JENOVA FILE: SEALED written on it. "but, we’re only going to have access to this file for a short time."
Rude screamed a little scream.
"Don’t worry, my shiny friend! I got it duct-taped shut!" Elena said, showing the side of the file to him.
"You weren’t supposed to take that out!!" Rude gasped.
"...Oops."
"Hmph!" Rude hmphed, yanking the Jenova File out of her hand and looking at her as if she’d killed a little puppy. "REALLY, Elena! This time you’ve gone too far! What would happen if this information got into the wrong hands?"
"Wrong hands? Like who?" Elena asked.
"Oh, I dunno, maybe AVALANCHE or one of Don Corneo’s gooney-goons?"
"Uh...Corneo’s dead, Rude," Elena said.
"I said, one of Corneo’s GOONS!"
Elena shrugged.
"Don’t you shrug at me! Do you know how much trouble you’ll be in when...they...find...out...?" Rude asked as the contents of the Jenova File spilled out onto the cobblestone street. "Ohhhhh, sheissa."
"I didn’t tape it on the bottom, Rude," Elena said.
"Well don’t just STAND there!! Help me sort this out!!" Rude skwaked neurotically, jumping into the pile of papers.
Elena really couldn’t see how jumping into a pile of top secret documents helped to sort it out, so she squatted down and picked up a picture. "Hmm..."
"No looking through the papers now! Just stuff them back in the folder and nobody’ll notice!" Rude said frantically, fishing through the two foot pile.
"Wait a sec! This is weird!" Elena said, looking at the picture of Sephiroth with another picture of Vincent Valentine taped to it messily in the bottom right corner.
"Not NOW!" Rude ordered.
"No, Rude! Look!" she replied, shoving the picture in his face.
"Hey! That’s Valentine!" Rude said, looking away.
Elena turned the paper over. "There’s writing on the back!"
Rude stood up. "Mister Valentine?...hey! Where’d he go?"
"Can’t hardly read it! ...this was compiled by Hojo, I think...stupid doctors and their scribble they call handwriting!!"
"Mister Valentine? Mister Vaa--AAAAAAAAAAH!!!"
A huge gargoyle picked Rude up by the collar of his shirt. "WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY LUCRECIA?!"
"Ah...ah...E,elena! ELENA!!" Rude shrieked.
"TELL ME!!"
"eek!"
Elena, oblivious to what was going on, put her finger up. "Just a sec, Rude! I think I’m gettin’ it!"
Rude whined piteously as the monster commenced to throw him around by the foot. "SPEAK, SHINY MAN!!"
" ‘It sratles...startles me more every day how...much...’" Elena read.
"AAAAH!!! Elena!!!!! ELENA!!!!"
" ‘...Sephiroth is pers...resemblins that ilorrible turkey...ur...Turk....I’m besinnins to...shunk... I’m not the farther,’...that can’t be it!"
"ELENAAAA!!!"
"Almost got it, Rude!...now, let’s see...oh! That’s an H! And those are G’s! How weird...he doesn’t capitalize his ‘I’s...or his own name! ‘It startles me more every day how much Sephiroth is resembling that horrible Turk. I’m beginning to think I’m not the father,’...Doctor Hojo wrote this?" she flipped the paper over. "...if Hojo’s not Sephiroth’s father, then who...?"
Rude came crashing down head-first into his pile of papers. "Owww..."
"Rude! Didja SEE this?!" Elena asked, trying to show him the paper.
"Llenll! Mrlk rff!!!" Rude managed from under the papers.
Elena heard a low growl and turned her head. "Huh? ...uh-ohhhh!"
Shiny little green things spun around in fickle whirlpools in front of him as far as the eye could see. He took his sword out and slashed at the air for awhile, slicing at the green things and turning them red. Sephiroth stuck his sword into the would-be ground and looked at it. "I...lost," he looked up and realized something. "Wait a sec! I LOST?! That wasn’t supposed to happen, was it?!" he reached into his boot and pulled out his script and flipped to the end. "DAMMIT! I DO lose!!" Sephiroth threw it down and jumped on it angrily for awhile. "Great. Just great. I died and I forgot my jacket!"
"What? This jacket?" a female voice came from behind, as well as a heavy object.
"Gaak!"
"Hee, hee!"
Sephiroth looked up at his former kill-ee and snarled. "Hey! Watch where you throw this thing, Aeris!! You’ll poke someone’s eye out!"
Aeris folded her arms indignantly. "No thanks, huh? Such gratitude!"
"Aw, shut up, ya soppy flower bimbo!" Sephiroth grumbled, getting into his left sleeve.
"Flower Bimbo? FLOWER BIMBO?! I’ll have you know, mister, if CLOUD was here, you’d be in pieces! Hell, if Cloud was here, you’d--"
"Cloud? hmmm...what about the liar?" Sephiroth asked, now complete again with his jacket on.
"LIAR?!"
"Well...more like an acute case of denial...but denial is just compound lying, so..."
"You JERK!" Aeris shrieked and pushed him.
"...ooh. You PUSHED me. Aah...I’m. Recoiling. In. Fear. Please. Don’t. Hurt. Me. Help. Help. I. Want. My. Mommy," Sephiroth said with more enthusiasm than even the slime mold.
Aeris hissed at him.
"Y’know, Aeris...your eyebrows have a cute little way of coming off your head when you’re angry," Sephiroth said.
"Sephiroth, you touch me and I’ll..." Aeris snarled.
"Touch YOU? Aheh! Ha ha hahaha hahaha haa! >breathe< Ha ha ha HAA ha ha ha! Hoo!"
"What’s so funny?"
"You’ve got one of the healthiest egos I’ve come to know, child!" Sephiroth snickered.
"Hmph!"
"There was only one lady I’ve even dreamed of touching...and she got killed a long time ago," he said bitterly.
"Who’s that?"
"It doesn’t matter. I’m not going to tell YOU. She was taken from me by Dr. Hojo...for the quote, unquote, ‘betterment of my existence’," he snarled.
"Well, if she’s dead, she must be here, then," Aeris said.
"That’s just it," said a voice from the side, "she isn’t dead."
"Doctor Hojo?"
"Professor Hojo."
Sephiroth snarled and drew his six-foot sword.
Hojo smirked. "What can you hope to do to anything in the Lifestream with a sword, Sephiroth? You’re dead, I’m dead, she’s dead, he’s dead, we’re all dead here!"
"He? Who he?" Aeris asked.
A man with insanely spiked black hair and wicked blue eyes turned Aeris around and winked at her, "Me he, babe!"
"ZACK!!" she cried, throwing her arms around him.
"Well, well, Sephiroth...seems your crowd’s changed a bit!" Hojo said, hobbling forth.
Sephiroth wasn’t listening. "Zack?!"
"Yo!" Zack said, putting up his hand.
"Zack?!"
"How’s it hangin’, Stephiroth?" he asked.
"HEY!" Hojo shouted, "I’M the one talking here! ME ME ME ME ME!!! Listen to ME!!"
Sephiroth stared at him blankly for awhile as he caught his breath and pushed his glasses back up. "Are you finished, Doctor?"
"PROFESSOR!!"
Sephiroth shrugged.
"Y’know, when you act like this, I really regret being your father!"
Zack fell down.
"...what?!" Sephiroth asked in a squeaky voice.
"Heh heh...that’s right! You’re my son, Sephiroth!"
The SOLDIER’s bangs drooped.
"I got you THIS time!! HA ha haa!" Hojo taunted.
"You...DID Jenova?!" Sephiroth tugged at his bangs neurotically. "EUGH!!!!! I knew you had problems, but...LEKH!!"
Hojo twitched.
"Yer makin’ me sick! Go way, please? I’ll pay you!" Sephiroth begged.
"No, Sephiroth! I did not do Jenova!" Hojo stated, punctuating his words with finger-jabs to Sephiroth’s shoulders, "Your mother was a brilliant and beautiful scientist named...
"LUCREEEECIAAAAA!!!!!"
"Ih...it’s okay, Mr. Valentine!" Elena said, trying to comfort him.
Rude nodded his bandaged head and did his impersonation of Elena: "Yes, yes, Mr. Valentine! You turn into a monster, clobber my partner and scrunch half the papers in the Jenova File and start crying. Yes. It’s okay, Mr. Valentine!"
"She done me WRONG!!"
...
Vincent sniffed a little bit. "I’m sorry," he sighed, "I’m not the same guy I used to be. I’m not fit to be a Turk anymore. Here, let me tell you the story...
"It all started...right here in Nibelheim. This was back when Midgar had been a few little skyscrapers and the Shinra Building was more like an office building than a looming, big shiny thing of evil. I used to be pretty high up in the Turks back then, and one day I was assigned to be a scientist’s bodyguard after she was attacked by a monster. The real trouble began thirty years ago, when Lucrecia was called to one of Professor Gast’s meetings. Of course, I stayed out of it. Scientists scared me for some reason...except for Lucrecia. They just unnerved me a bit...tangling with stuff they shouldn’t be tangling with, experimenting on animals, didn’t go with me. One scientist in particular irked me beyond human comprehension: Hojo."
Elena raised her hand. "Um...is Hojo his first name or his last name?"
Vincent opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came.
"I think it’s his last name. I personally never address a world-class scientist by his first name. Hojo was pretty uptight, if you ask me, and rather obsessed with being dignified. I don’t think he would have let us call him Dr. Hojo if that was his first name," Rude theorized.
"As far as I was concerned, Hojo is just Hojo. I don’t really give a damn as to whether that’s his first name or his last!" Vincent stated.
"So, he’s got one name? Like Madonna, Cher or the artist formerly known as Prince?" Elena asked.
Rude fell off his chair in hysterical laughter.
"A-HEM! Can I get on with my tragic tale of loss and woe and kooky science experiments?" Vincent asked.
"Sorry, Mr. Valentine. Go on," Elena apologized, helping the giggling Rude off the floor.
"Alright...Hojo creeped me out more than any other scientist I’ve ever met. Even though he was comparatively famous, he still didn’t think he was good enough, always saying that he wanted to become a scientist. I thought, Jeez, man! Look at you! How much more of a scientist can one GET?! Another reason the guy bugged me is that he was always hanging around Lucrecia. When I first met her, he was there. He followed her around like a mother duck. She said that they’d been friends since high school, so I didn’t protest anymore.
Anyway, Professor Gast LOVED long meetings, so it took several weeks before it was finished. I snagged the opportunity to get to know Lucrecia better; Hojo seemed preoccupied with the many different species of lichens in the area. So, we went to dinner, we both told us our life stories in a nut shell, silly wishes, stuff like that. I think she liked me! Then Hojo showed up and dragged both of us out of the restaurant to show Lucrecia the new form of microscopic worm he’d just discovered," Vincent rolled his eyes. "So, that was the end of that night out. This became a regular thing between the three of us. Lucrecia said it was just Hojo’s way of trying to get me to be his friend... ‘He’s just a little afraid of you, Vince. He spent all last night spouting about how cool you were!’ Ohhuh, ohhuh. If that was the case, then why was he interrupting our quality time?! ‘Oh, he’s just a puppy! He doesn’t know any better!’"
"Uh...Mr. Valentine, get to the point," Rude said.
Elena elbowed him.
"Alright. When I finally got up the guts to tell her how I really felt, she drags me down into the cellar laboratory in the Shinra Mansion and tells me all about why Professor Gast called all of these scientists to Nibelheim: to discuss experimentation on humans. Lucrecia asked me if anyone I knew was willing to be a...a...test subject. Hojo said that if nobody would volunteer, the Shinra would have the scientists produce their OWN test subjects! I pulled my gun and preached about it being morally wrong for experiments to be done on humans, not only that, but it would play hell with the psyches of the parents, to know they gave their child up to be a lab rat.
"‘She and I are both scientists,’ Hojo stated, ‘It’s what we live for. If you’d like, you could spare a child a little agony and offer up yourself, but it doesn’t look like you’ll be doing that any time soon.’
"I gnashed my teeth together and stared at the floor for awhile, then put away my gun and turned around, ‘I just can’t understand you. Are you heartless, Hojo? There are enough freaks of the human race here already. Are you sure you want more?’
"Hojo put his hand on my shoulder and told me, ‘We are doing this for the betterment of the human race, Vincent. Together, we could all be the first step to a new evolutionary stage, IF everybody cooperates!’
"‘You sound like a goddamn Nazi, Hojo! People can’t evolve to a higher state of being over just one generation, you of all people should know that!’ I told him, shrugging his hand off.
"Lucrecia surprised me with her next word: ‘OUT!’
"‘Lucrecia, I’m only trying to get you to see reason in this, I--"
"‘I said OUT! Since when did you become an ethics expert, Mr. Valentine?’ she snapped, pointing her finger accusingly at me.
"‘I’m only trying to spare you some pain! Believe it or not, you ARE human, and humans have feelings! Humans are attached to their offspring! I don’t believe for one second that even Hojo would in all reality give up his own child for a twisted science experiment!’ I told her.
"‘Don’t you tell us what we can and cannot do! We are scientists! We can do as we please as it suits us!’ Hojo the Never Redundant said, pushing up his glasses at me.
"‘Not if it’s not within the law, it’s not!’ I snapped.
"Hojo snickered something about double negatives at me and Lucrecia told me to get out again. Before I left, I told her I loved her, but she didn’t say anything. She just pointed to the door and sniffed. I left Nibelheim for a day and thought about what Hojo had said..what if what he was on about really would up another stage in evolution?...or what if he was jumping on the opportunity to play God?
"My mind would take neither side in this, so I went back to Nibelheim the next day to reason it out with Lucrecia...even though the chances of her listening would be less than favorable. As I reached the Nibelheim gate in the morning, I saw her crying on Hojo’s shoulder, bawling something I couldn’t make out except for the occasional "Vinnie" or two. Hojo kept patting her on the back, saying it was his fault, it was his fault, he’ll put more thought into it this time, he promised. What he meant by ‘this time’, I had no idea of. He looked up at me from over the back of her ponytail piteously and shook his head. I knew I’d hurt her deep down, and I couldn’t fix it. I knew when I wasn’t wanted, so I left...this time, for nine months. I never saw the real Lucrecia again.
"I came back to Nibelheim to rub it in their faces how they couldn’t have a kid purely as a test subject. When I got there, Hojo was leaning against the signpost, looking both smug and haggard at the same time. He’d been expecting me, of course. I told him that he wouldn’t have been able to give the child purely to science and he smirked. Hojo led me downstairs into the Shinra Mansion lab and surely as the day could break, I saw an infant in a huge glass tube filled with bubbly green stuff. My jaw dropped to the floor.
"‘As I said before...she and I were both scientists,’ Hojo said, pointing to his experiment like it was a trophy, ‘This boy...my son, Sephiroth, IS the future of the human race!’
"‘I don’t see anything special about him...where’s Lucrecia?’ said I.
"‘She’s...missing,’ Hojo said worriedly, but then perked up. ‘Don’t you worry about that. He’ll be famous soon enough...and so will I! You should consider yourself a lucky man, to have initiated the decision for his being. Aren’t you proud?’ the psychopath asked me, shaking my hand and sticking a cigar in my mouth.
"I spat it out and whacked him to the ground with an odd cracking sound, ‘I won’t be part of the Hell he’ll be to you IF this experiment is a success, Hojo! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again! Experimenting on humans will only lead to more strife!’
"Hojo shook his head and staggered back to his feet, ‘Heh heh heh...thank you for the warning!’ he said, reaching into the pocket of his lab coat, ‘I’ll take it to heart!’
"‘BANG!’"
Elena jumped out of her chair.
"‘Bang!’?" Rude asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah. Bang. The little bugger shot me in the chest. That was the end of my natural life," Vincent said.
Elena blinked.
Vincent sighed. "Let’s just say, he tore me apart, chucked some weird materia dust into me, put me back together with super glue and put me to sleep for thirty years in the basement, locked in a coffin."
"It’s ALIVE!! ALIIIVE!! A-hahahahaa!!" Rude cackled.
Elena bonked him on his shiny head. "Rude! That’s rude!"
"Actually, I think he’s got it almost exactly right. He’s Frankenstein and I’m the monster."
"So...where’s the bride of Frankenstein?" Elena asked.
Vincent shook his head. "I don’t know...and I don’t really care anymore."
"Aww!" Elena whimpered, "How come? Didn’t you love her?"
"Yes...but that love went unrequited, mostly because I didn’t tell her I did. If I saw her again today, I wouldn’t have her," Vincent said, "Hojo tainted her beyond repair. She’s his, I concede to that. It is not my sin."
Rude tested his bump and cringed. "So...what exactly happened to Hojo?"
"Hojo? Oh, he’s dead!" Valentine said, almost with childish glee.
Elena tilted her head to the side. "Dead as in...what?"
"Dead as in what remains of him could be confused with rust near the manual controls of the Sister Ray," Vincent said.
"That part of Midgar got charred to little crunchy bits," Rude said.
"Well, then he’s deader than dead, now isn’t he?"
"Did you kill him?" Elena asked.
"I...took part in killing him. I have Mr. Cloud Strife to thank for that," Vincent said.
"Ah-hah," Elena said.
"Hojo was in terrible condition when we defeated him at Midgar. He wouldn’t have lived long even if we hadn’t come, for he had injected himself with Jenova cells. His tortured brain couldn’t take it, so he was absolutely batty and appeared to be staggering drunk by the time we got to him. He said he was proud of himself, he said he was proud of his son, he said he was beginning to hate himself, he said he was--"
"That’s enough, Mr. Valentine. I knew the man comparatively well to safely say he was insane. I don’t need examples," Rude said distantly.
"Mr. Valentine...are you absolutely sure you never got any farther in your relationship with Dr. Foster?" Elena asked.
"Positive."
Elena put a hand to her chin. "Hmm...that’s funny. In the Jenova File, Hojo wrote that he started to doubt that he was Sephiroth’s father. On the back of that paper was a photograph of a younger version of Sephiroth and another picture taped to it that I can only assume to be you."
"I won’t believe you until I see it," Vincent said flatly.
"Oh, that’s not a problem! It’s right here in the Jenova...File......uh...ohhh"
"It’s still in a pile outside, Elena...Remember?" Rude gulped
"Ohhhh...Tseng is going to grill me till I’m a crispy wire!!!" Elena fretted, shivering.
A hand came up from behind her and tapped her on the shoulder. "Ah...Elena? Tseng’s dead, remember?"
"Gaaah!! Reno!" Elena jumped to face her fellow Turk.
"That’s my name, don’ wear it out!" said Reno, who looked like he had just gotten out of bed as always: his shirt un-tucked, his tie un-tied,brushing his sort-of long, red hair back over the shiny sunglasses on his head with his hand.
"Don’t you ever tuck in that shirt, Reno?" Elena demanded in contempt.
Reno shrugged. "I was just reminding you that Tseng is--"
"Dead! I know! You don’t have to remind me every day, Reno!" Elena snapped.
"You seem to keep for--"
SLAP!
"Oww..."
"What kind of idiot do you think I am, Reno? I was just testing to see if you were paying attention!" Elena told him.
Reno rubbed his face when he stopped rolling on the ground. "You’re doing it again, Elena!"
Elena snarled, picking up Reno by the collar. "Rude! You put the Jenova File back together!"
Rude saluted. "Yes, ma’am!"
Elena threw Reno into Vincent and ordered, "Reno, you question Valentine!"
Reno stood up and gulped, "E-elena..."
"D-don’t you E-elena me!" Elena stammered, choking up and fleeing the Shinra Mansion.
"Elena, wait! I--"
SLAM! went the door.
"Me and my big mouth," Reno mumbled gloomily, putting his hands in his pockets and staring at the floor.
Vincent blinked.
"Looks like Madame Superioré is upset today," Rude said.
"All because you didn’t tuck in your shirt?" Vincent asked.
Reno shook his head and replied, "No. She...kinna had a soft spot for Tseng."
Vincent put a finger to his chin and thought, "Tseng...Tseng...now, where have I heard that name before?"
"Allow me to tshed tsome light on the tsubject!" Rude said uppityly, "Tseng was our tsupervisor until he was tsavagely tslaughtered by Tsephiroth. Elena’s been tslightly ptsychotic tsince then."
"Ru-ude!" Reno growled.
"Whoops. Sorry, buddy. I forgot that you have a crush on Elena!" Rude snickered.
Reno blushed a little, then shouted, "It’s not a crush!"
"Hee hee hee! Re-no likes E-le-na! Re-no likes E-le-na!" Rude sang.
Vincent blinked.
"Rude, if you keep singing that, I’m gunna have Mr. Valentine deliver a little note to Tiiiifaaaa!" Reno threatened.
"And I thought Hojo was insane!" Vincent told the wall. Nobody else seemed to be listening, so he just wandered off.